(Today is the 10 year anniversary of Jordan’s arrival! We love him now more than ever, and I couldn’t let today pass without acknowledging this special time in our family’s story. Adoption is truly a beautiful blessing for all involved.) 

THURSDAY, October 6th, 2010

To begin with, I have to give a little information about myself.  I came from a family of three boys and two girls.  I grew up with Superman, He-Man, Star Wars, and any other “man” you can name. I was active.  I never sat around playing with dolls or wondering what the boys were doing.  I was hanging out with my brothers *my sister was the youngest and I was the oldest*.  I had mostly guy friends unless my girlfriends were the kind that could run and play.  This continued until high school.  I loved the free spirit and *get over it attitude* that guys have. No drama for me, please.

I did love to do my little sister’s hair and remember vividly praying one day that I would have a daughter because I loved to do hair so much.

*You can laugh out loud if you must, I do every day!*

I am beginning to learn that prayers are listened to and they are answered, in His time and how it is best for us.  That one little prayer transcended years until the day I started having children.  I planned on having boys, lots of them. I wanted to attend football games, soccer games, and stock the fridge with food so they would all hang out at the house, and then I was married.  My hubby came with a girl, we had a girl soon after, and had our second girl within two years and were legal guardians to our niece! Four girls in two years! I couldn’t believe it. I loved them more than anything but was sure there was a boy in there somewhere to even it out.

I took a three-year break and had girl number four *not counting my niece*, and five two years later.  It took me 3 years to decide to give it one more shot for a boy because I wanted to know I was having another baby to have a baby and not just a boy.  It took me 9 months to get pregnant which was crazy for me and had another girl.

Our dog is a girl. Our cat was a girl, and I would bet all of our fish are girls. If there is one thing I want you to know, it’s that I LOVE MY GIRLS.

We have SO much fun together and I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, but that hole in my heart hadn’t been closed.  When my youngest was two, I started looking online obsessively to adopt a son that would fit between my last two or after the end of the row.  I realized quickly how much money it cost and felt quite guilty for possibly taking a baby away from a family that couldn’t have children.  After about a month of looking, I started feeling sad.  I knew it wasn’t for me and I was wasting time. I had great kids and full hands.

I had to find a way to move on and thrive with what I had been given, so I knelt down in my laundry room by the computer that I was looking for a son on.  I started to cry and poured out my heart to Heavenly Father asking him to help me accept that I wouldn’t ever get the chance to raise a boy. I expressed my gratitude for all that I had and my love for each of my children.  I asked if I could turn this over to Him.  I asked that if there was ever a little boy out there that needed a home and we would be a good fit, that he would come into our lives. I knew this was a stretch, but it made me feel better.

I promised to focus on the children I had and doing my best as a mother. As I closed the prayer, a flash of my friend Jared’s face went through my mind.  He is actually one of two guys that nicknamed me “shmonae” so many years ago.

*I wasn’t sure why, but I saw him that same week and mentioned to him that if he came across a little boy that needed me, to let me know.  He laughed and agreed.*

I felt so much better.  I got up off the laundry room floor and went about my business.  I felt like I had closure and didn’t tear up every time I saw a little boy that looked something like “my son”. I was content watching my nephews grow and handing them back to their parents when they pooped.  I felt relieved I was finished with the diapers, highchair, bottles, and long nights. “haha, suckers”

I thought as I watched all my siblings start their families.  I had done my duty.  I was now moving into the pre-teenage years and grade school.  My life became homework, lessons, monitoring the computer, and counseling on all the many issues young girls face.  Last week I was asked to be on the “Women in Philanthropy board” because “I had more time”. My kids were almost all in school and I wanted to contribute.  I was content.

Fast forward two years…..

Last Thursday night, I received an email from my buddy Jared. He and his darling wife, Alicia, were adopting their second son in November and were asked by the birth mom if they wanted two babies because her friend was thinking about placing also. He was worried that 2 kids the same month would be crazy, so he asked if Jon and I were interested.

I read it out loud to Jon with a shocked, half quirk smile on my face. “Yeah right!” I exclaimed. Jon looked me straight in the eyes and said,  “Janae, you really want this don’t you?” and I just started crying.

I decided to fast all day Friday in hopes of clarity and help in making a very serious decision so fast.  Jon and I prayed in the morning and went on our separate ways.  I had huge lists on both sides of the equation. I couldn’t share what I was writing for many reasons.

1. Nobody knew I even had the opportunity to adopt because it happened so fast, and I didn’t want the family to find out on my blog.

2. We found out there was another family that had the first option to adopt Handsome, so we didn’t want to get our hopes up.

3. Possibly the biggest reason, I wasn’t positive yet that I was ready to jump in head first into this new adventure without a confirmation that it was right.  Funny how when I look back, it seems so simple but I was in shock and trying to visualize how it would all work.

My list went like this:


I am back to baby stages after I just put away the high chair, diapers, and car seats.

Would my kids be jealous and feel like I wanted them less?

Would this add extra stress that Jon and I couldn’t add to our plate right now with everything in business going on?

Would I have to deal with lawyers?  After going through a stepdaughter and the legal aspect, a niece and being her legal guardian and that legal aspect..and on and on…was it in me?

I wanted to make sure this was a joint venture for us, not that I just want a boy so we will get one.


I get to raise a son, and

The chain of events that brought us to this place.


As you can see there were less on the Pro side, but the draw there was still more.

Friday night Jon came home feeling more comfortable with the idea, and I was more stressed out.  It’s hard to make this big decision this fast.  My head was reeling..and it only got worse when Jon said,

“Let’s call the birth Grandma and let her know we are interested. Let’s just find out what she says and if it is even a viable option.”

I got the chills and groaned at the same time.

What were we doing? We have our hands full…quite full.  Between business and 6 kids, we are already running fast.  We both love it this way and actually thrive on a lot to do, but were we being smart?

I picked up the phone and dialed….


“Hi, I got your number from and friend that said you were interested in placing a son for adoption.”


“Could you tell me more?”

She went into details ofHandsome’sbirth mother, her daughter.  With love and emotion, she explained her situation that led her to this day.  She was very supportive of her daughter and patient with letting her choose what she felt was best for her son.  I won’t share all of the details publicly, but know that they both felt like it was the best thing for little Mr. Handsome.  The mother was young and tried with all of her might to make it work on her own.  That is a lot for any 15 years old.

It is very apparent that Handsome has been loved and taken care of.

I felt myself smile bigger and bigger as I thought of this little sweet boy.  Could this REALLY happen?  Was I dreaming?  Was I being selfish taking this opportunity away from another family that couldn’t have children?

And then she said it…

“We have already asked someone else if they want the baby.  He has been playing with their kids and getting to know them.”

My heart fell.

“OK,” I said and held my breath.

She went on to ask who we were and where we heard about them.  I explained the connection and told her that we had a public blog if she wanted to read more about our family and see pictures, then she asked,

 “Can we come over to meet you on Sunday night if the first family changes their mind?”

I agreed but knew this was opening up to be heartbroken.

SATURDAY was a waiting game.

Luckily it was General Conference and it helped distract me.  My emotional self was so raw after fasting the day before and the adoption was forefront in my brain. I vacillated back and forth between letting myself get excited and keeping up walls of protection.

I have had a path of motherhood that has prepared me for may facets of this situation.  I knew how big of a deal this was.  Back when I was 20 and naive, everything seemed simple.  Parenthood is not simple.  It is intense and all-encompassing.

I realized today that I have been a stepmother to my oldest daughter “Rooz”, a foster parent for four years to my niece we can call “tellie”,  biological mommy of course, and now an adoptive mom.

All situations present their own challenges.

I have been the weekend mom, the mean full-time mom, the aunt/mom, and now a new mom.  I have sat in court and battled for visitation, sat in court trying to fight for justice when my niece was treated horribly, been pregnant five times, we’ve watched family torn apart as Jon and I fought for my niece’s rights, sat in counseling for countless hours, dealt with DCFS, had family home studies done, been certified as a legal foster parent, and tried to find peace between it all.

You see Saturday and Sunday were a waiting game.

Maybe a chance to reflect on if this was REALLY what we wanted.  It was so hard to have all of these emotions swirling in me and not be able to talk about it.  I was watching my nephew Jackson and kept imagining he was my own.

Bug would fight over toys with a new brother…for sure. She has been the typical baby and knows she is the queen in this house.  How would all of the kids react? This was at the top of my list of things that worried me.  The stress would cause on the kids and on our stress load as a whole, but it didn’t matter. We had decided. Now it was in their hands and the other family hadn’t decided.

I went to bed Saturday night but didn’t sleep.  Visions of “my” Super Man were floating through my scattered, detached dreams.

Sunday morning, I woke up anxious to get to the end of the day when we would meet Handsome.  Once again, I was very thankful to be watching General Conference and feeling the spirit of the day.  I look forward to General Conference every six months so I can veg in my PJ’s, watch church on TV and still get credit for attending!  We always get crafts to do with the kids, so it is easier to sit through all 4 hours.  The little ones come and go as they please, but they catch quite a bit of it.

Jon had taken the kids to a new “old fashion” toy store at “Shops in the Riverwoods” on Saturday to find crafts to do.  They have darling stuff, all the toys from my childhood. I found a scratch and sniff stickers there, old candies, old board games, etc.

I took notes as the speakers shared their messages, and doodled as I listened for any inspiration that I could glean.  Here is a link to some of the talks given on Saturday and Sunday for those who missed it.  I was trying so hard to listen with my spiritual ears…I needed inspiration, I needed help and guidance.

Jon made us dinner because he knew I was in some sort of twilight zone.  It has also been a deal between us from day one.  I get all the kids ready for church as he makes Sunday dinner.  He can’t do hair, and I can’t cook.  OK, OK…I can cook, but it isn’t my favorite thing to do, that’s for sure.

As the conference was coming to an end, I went to shut my journal that I was taking notes in and a piece of paper fell out into my lap.  I reached down and opened it, curious to see what it was.  I was somewhat surprised to find my patriarchal blessing in my hands.  I didn’t even know there was a copy inside.  I started to read the familiar words that I have studied over and over again.  Patriarchal blessings are beautiful things.  They are a guide for your life and a special prayer that you receive from a patriarch of the L.D.S. church when you are ready.  The things that it says in my blessing are obviously just for me.  Jon’s are no doubt for him.  The words are straight from our Heavenly Father.  I feel the spirit so strong every time I read it, but I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me on this day.

I scanned it, I have it almost memorized.  It has been a guide and direction piece for me over the years.  Then, a sentence stood out that never had before.  It said that

“I had been blessed with children, and others would come to my home.”

I only thought this to mean I would have another biological baby when I was younger, but on this day I knew it was speaking of Handsome.  Yes, it was a direct message to me and an answer to my prayer.

That night  Handsome was supposed to come and meet us with his mom, Grandma (Na Na), uncle, Grandpa, and mom’s friend who was also playing with our friend Jared.  Jared is the one that we heard about Handsome from in the first place.  I tried not to think about it most of the day and kept myself busy…until five.  They were planning on showing up at six.

I let my kids know that some friends of ours were coming to play.  They asked who they were and where they came from, but I was pretty vague.  They were ready and so excited to meet them, but I was even more excited.  Jon kept hugging me and laughing, what else could he do?

Six o’clock came and went. Seven o’clock came and they hadn’t shown up. I called to see if they were lost and if they needed directions to our house.  She said they hadn’t left yet *they live 45 minutes away*.  There was a lump in my throat.  The biological mother was having a really hard time coming to meet us.  I didn’t blame her.

How would that be, getting into the car with your one and a half-year-old child, to meet some strangers that could be his parents?  The thought process is like a heavyweight on my chest.  I can’t breathe when I think of it.  I couldn’t relate, I never could relate.

She and Na Na had fed him, changed him, rocked him to sleep, and bonded with him for 19 months, not to mention carried him as her own for nine months and felt him grown within her. I know all too well the sickness, fatigue, sleepless nights, and pain.

I know how it feels the first time you feel a tickle in your belly and wonder if it was just your imagination or the real thing. I know the indescribable feeling you get when you feel bubbles in your tummy that eventually grows into bumps and pushes against your ribs.

You can feel the baby taking over your body, your emotions, and your thoughts.

They become part of you, the best part.

It’s no wonder when they leave the comfort of your belly and enter into this loud bright world, they want to be snuggled and hear the beatings of your heart once again as they lay on your chest in the night.  It’s also no wonder we ache for them as we watch them cry, or get hurt for the first time.  It is painful to see the doctor prick their little feet in the office, even though we know it’s for the best.  We become attached, joined by the months of preparation to come into this world.  Attached by the spirit love that is comparable to nothing on this planet.

The bond between mother and child. How could she get into the car?

Somehow, Na Na was strong enough to pull the weight for the mother.  Handsome’s biological mother is young. She is a child herself, trying to make it on her own, and don’t think for a minute that Na Na isn’t just as attached as Handsome’s mother.  She has more years under her belt to really process what is going on, and she was there from day one supporting Handsome.  She was adopted herself and understands this huge commitment.  Yes, she is just as much a part of this as the mother.  She loves him more than anything, he is hers also.

Eventually, they made it to our house at about 8 o’clock.  I had sweat through two shirts and was sick to my stomach. I was trying so hard to be patient and not get too attached.  I don’t know that I was doing a very good job.  I felt like I had gotten my answer, but I still had to wait for free agency and what they felt was best for their family.

I could only hope they would feel the same.

He belonged with us.

When they walked in, we felt comfortable immediately.  Handsome ran up to our saltwater fish tank and climbed up the step stool to see it.  This was a great plus for Jon…possibly a spiritual sign 😉  He watched for a bit and then started playing with the kids.  By this point, we had told Mack what was going on, and I could tell by the look on her face that she understood the magnitude of this meeting.

Handsome was darling with huge brown eyes, long eyelashes, and the same color of hair as my kids.  He had an enormous smile and was quick to laugh. I was in love.

We started talking about the path that brought their family into our home this night, as Noo Noo pushed Handsome around in a huge Tonka truck Jon had bought him the day before.  We couldn’t help but giggle as the girls flew around and around in a big circle passed the front room, through the kitchen, into the piano room, and back into the front room over and over again.

Pretty soon Handsome came running in with a ball and rolled it across the floor as if to say, “Stop chatting, and come play!”

I would have, had it been any other circumstance, but we had things to talk about.  We were all taking this very seriously for obvious reasons.  They needed to feel comfortable with the decision, as did we.  We both had questions to ask of each other.  Some were minor, and some were major.

We both felt like we were supposed to meet that night, I just wished Handsome’s mother had come so she could feel comfortable with the situation also.  It was interesting hearing the things the family wished for Handsome because they are all things we would do raising him naturally without having to change a thing.

They wanted him active…well, I can say that we are always doing something!  We rarely just sit around as a family.  They wanted him in sports, and I had no reservation in promising them this.  I explained that although we have lots of girls, they aren’t sissy girls.  They snowmobile, four-wheel, snow ski and snowboard, wakeboard in the summer on our boat, hike, play soccer, play in the dirt, and many other traditional “boy” things.

Do they like to dress up?

Of course, but as I see it, there is a time to play with worms and a time to put on your favorite pair of high heels.

I was curious about his eating, sleeping, and playtime habits.  If he came I wanted the right music in his room *Jewel’s lullaby CD*, food in the kitchen *bananas, apples, apple juice, and slide shots* I wanted to show him his favorite cartoons when he wanted to be calm and veg *Wonder pets* I wanted the transition as easy as possible.

For this reason, I explained that we would be keeping his first given name.  He would have enough life changes to deal with.  He would lose his family, home, stability, and everything he knew to be real.  How could I take his name also?  Plus, Jon and I liked his name, and with the changing of his middle name, it would make it the same initials as his dads.

Yes, we would keep his name.

Handsome had climbed up onto his Na Na’s lap sometime during the long evening and fell asleep on his own.  He didn’t cry, just snuggled up, and dozed off.

When they decided it was time to leave *around 10:30 p.m.* they got up and we said our goodbyes. Handsome awoke and looked around with a dazed, squinty-eyed face.  I am sure he wondered where he was, and why he was still here.

As they were walking out of our front door, Handsome said, “GO?”

Na Na leaned over and said, “Yes Handsome, we are going home.” as she walked toward the car.  Handsome again said, “GO?” but this time we all realized he was leaning toward our house.  His Na Na got big eyes *big brown eyes* and said,

“I think he actually wants to stay!”

Jon and I couldn’t believe it.

It was a sweet reassurance that he felt comfortable in our home.

We couldn’t be happier and went to bed with a smile.

I didn’t smile because I was sure we would get him, I smiled because the meeting went well and I had a firm belief that whatever was supposed to happen, would.

Monday I woke up frustrated.

I just wanted to know if Handsome would be coming to begin a life with us or not.  I had started to get attached and I didn’t want to do that unless it was a sure thing.  My hat goes off to people that play this game all the time.

I really started to feel like a wimp.

My friend that told us about Handsome in the first place has been through fertility issues with his wife for years and finally started to look into adoption.  YEARS of waiting and stress.  Now they have a darling son and another on the way..but think of it, waiting months and months while the birth mom is pregnant, never knowing if she will change her mind at any point in time.

I had only been through three and a half days of it!

Pregnancy and the stresses that I have dealt with have been completely opposite.  Children in our home just seem to show up!  Rooz was there when I married Jon, Mackaroochie came soon after we were married, Noo Noo made her entrance 22 months later, and my niece moved in at the age of seven when Noo Noo was two months old.

*This was just the first 2 years of marriage!

I was 22 and had four kids* Sprite, Monkey, and Bug followed suit every two to three years after.  During these twelve years of having babies, I really kept busy.  I would have to say that our first years of marriage were not made of cherries and ice cream.

Yes, we have had many friends and family that had stress because they couldn’t have a child, our stress came from having them so fast combined with life’s extreme ups and downs. I had no business complaining after only three days.  Besides, if he were coming, an average adoption takes anywhere from two to six months.  She could change her mind at any point and he wouldn’t be living with us for months anyway. Na Na had let me know that if it were to happen, they wanted it to be sooner than later.

I text Na Na and asked if they had heard anything from the family that may be adopting him.  They said that the family hadn’t responded yet and they had given them until 8 o’clock that night.  She asked if they could come back again that night with the birth mother so she could meet us.

“Only if there is a chance we could get him,”  I said.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up even higher.

She assured me that we were still in the running and there was a possibility, but they didn’t want to take back their offer of placing Handsome with the other family if they were interested. I understood their reasoning but felt so helpless.  Why would it feel so right, if it wasn’t?  I started to second guess myself.

Na Na asked me if I wanted to speak with the birth mom.  I said I would love to.  I didn’t know quite what to say to her but felt like I wanted to express how I was feeling.


“Hi,” I said, “I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for the situation you are in, and I just want everyone to be happy.  I don’t want to pressure you into something you aren’t ready for, but I am willing and able to raise your child if you want me to.”

I could tell she was emotional and I couldn’t imagine what she must be feeling.  She let me know that she felt good about us adopting him but she has promised him to someone else.  I told her that I was aware and we were waiting until we got the final word.  She asked if she could come and meet us that night and I told her I was planning on it.  I thanked her and told her I would see her that night. and so, I started to hold my breath for another ten hours.

How was I going to survive another day of wait? I had a list of things I wanted to do if he would be coming. I wanted to buy boy clothes for the first time, get his room ready, tell the family, buy boy toys, and start loving him up!

But I couldn’t.

I didn’t even know what to tell my family, because really there wasn’t much to say yet.  I sent my kids to school and started cleaning.  This was something that would help me out either way it went.  A fresh start.

Jon called our Carpet Cleaning business guys and had them come clean the carpets for us.  The people that owned our home before put in WHITE carpet upstairs in all five bedrooms, I don’t know what kind of mommy she was, but I have a hard time keeping stains off of the white carpet.  Between the glitter that spills, rogue markers, and shoes that weren’t taken off in the mudroom, we have our share of regular spills.

I kept busy watching Bug and my nephew Jackson all day and paid special attention to how these to toddlers played together. If Handsome came, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be breaking up fights over toys.  Bug was the youngest and not used to sharing her things and Handsome was an only child and didn’t have competition either.

I loved watching the two toddlers playing together, almost like having twins. Handsome and Bug are almost exactly two years apart and would keep each other *and myself* busy, that was for sure!

I had walls built up around me, for my protection and theirs.

I had already found myself staring at him longingly when he slept in his Grandma’s arms the night before and I didn’t want to creep them out! They pulled up to our house, parked the car, and walked up the front sidewalk. I was waiting and opened the door. The Grandma “Na Na” was holding him and the birth mother said, “He is yours.”

I was SO SHOCKED, I couldn’t even respond. I blurted out something stupid like, “Um, OK…, did the other family respond yet?”

“Yes, they said after having him play with their kids they felt like he was someone else’s child.”

I couldn’t believe my ears!! I teared up for just a minute, still in shock.

Was this REALLY happening?  Was I going to have a little boy placed in my arms?  Were my prayers answered in such a miraculous way that I would have a son after hearing about it four days previous?


Yes, I was.

We sat down and got to know each other a little better.

After much talking and planning, I brought my kids into the room.

Before I explained what was happening, I turned to Bug and asked,

“Do you know who this is?”

“Yes, he is my brother!”

We were all shocked and the girls were so excited!

I don’t know how to express the magnitude of this statement to you.  All of the girls instantly knew how big of a deal this was that Bug already knew him.

Last February 26th, Bug started talking about her brother.

Her what?! you say!!

*Link* Yes brother.  

She was convinced, and now I am.

I am convinced that kids sometimes understand more than we do, and heaven is closer than we know. I am convinced that prayers are answered and Heavenly Father watches over us all. I am convinced that families come together in many different ways and family is the most important thing on this earth.

I am convinced.


If you guessed that I slept Monday night in a silent slumber because of the previous day’s events, you would be wrong.  I tossed and turned all night, my head swimming with possibilities

*some good* some bad*.

Even if my body relaxed and fell into some sort of sleep, my mind didn’t and this makes for the craziest dreams ever, not that that is anything new for me.


was bound to be an emotional day for everyone.

Jon had the lawyer on alert the day before, just in case they came back with a “yes, he is yours!”  I thought Jon was jumping the gun, but once again he was right.  He wanted the insurance in ready in case Handsome was placed in our care.  Sure enough, the wanted him to come live with us on Tuesday!  They had mention they wanted this whole ordeal to go fast, and they weren’t kidding!

One of my main concerns with adopting a son was that I didn’t want my other kids to feel like I didn’t love them as much.  I knew this wasn’t possible, but I was worried that their young minds might view it this way.  After Handsomes family left Monday night, Jon and I spent time talking to Noo Noo and Mack to make sure they were feeling OK with the situation.  I have had children, *and I won’t say which ones*

bring up the fact that they thought I loved boys more than girls when they were upset.  Of course, this isn’t true, I just wanted the chance to raise both. If I had given birth to 5 boys and had 1 stepson, I would be dying for a girl!

I was so mentally worn out by this point, I slumped down in my bed as Jon went and talked with both of them.  I just didn’t know if I had the patience to hear that they weren’t ready for a brother after all that had transpired.

I was pleasantly surprised when I realized Noo Noo didn’t feel that way but was more concerned about Handsome.  She worried that he wouldn’t feel he was part of the family because he was adopted and nobody else was.  Thank goodness.  I would have had a really hard time if all my kids were mad at Jon and me for making this decision.

I don’t remember what time I woke up on Tuesday, probably because I was partially awake all night.  I got all five kids ready for school, but let Mack stay home with us to go pick up Handsome.  Noo Noo chose to go to school because she was in charge of a devotional.  She was planning on sharing our adoption story as it related to prayer.  Rooz also came with us to the lawyer’s office.

The drive to Salt Lake was torture.  On one hand it felt like Christmas, and on another like I was about to take away someone’s family member.  I was so overwhelmed with emotion and could barely speak. The whole thing happened so fast and was so surreal.  It had been only 5 days since I heard of Handsome’s existence.


As you can tell from our business ventures, Jon and I move quickly.  We make decisions pretty fast and if it feels good, we go for it with everything we can muster and this wouldn’t be any different.

When we arrived, we got out of the car and they pulled up alongside of us.  Their family got out of their car with Handsome.  I couldn’t help but stare at him, was this really happening? Was I still dreaming? …no, I was sure I wasn’t.  My sweat was down to my elbows again, just like the first night I met him.  I was giddy, yet somber. I was excited, yet nervous.

We said our hellos and walked into the office.  The lawyer came out and greeted us, and quickly divided us into different rooms.  I didn’t realize we would be signing papers in different rooms, I felt a bit relieved.  I don’t think I could watch that.  I needed to bond with handsome, and the visual of the whole family crying and heartbroken would be hard to get out of my mind.

As we sat and waited, we looked around the lawyer’s office.  Let me take that back, there were chairs to sit on but I couldn’t hold still.  I was pacing back and forth trying to clear my jitters.  I  glanced around the office and noticed a wall full of pictures.  It took a minute for me to realized that ALL FOURTEEN kids on the wall, were in fact the lawyer’s family.

Some by adoption, and some of his children from the start. Kids from many nationalities and backgrounds that all had one thing in common. They had a stable family unit now, and they all belonged. It didn’t matter their color or birthplace, all that mattered was that they were loved.

Not many people make me feel like a wimp when it comes to the number of children, but this man did.  He was so calm and collected, I guess you would have to be in order to head a household that size. That AND have an amazing wife behind the scenes that took care of their every need!

Next thing I know, our lawyer came into the office and showed us where to sign.  I didn’t realize it, but it was all done.  The mother has signed away her rights already.  Such a short amount of time that changed such a large amount of time.  With a stroke of a pen, he was now our responsibility.  We signed our end of the agreement and shook the man’s hand.

It all seemed to easy.

We walked out into the lobby and the lawyer let us know that the transfer of Handsome into our care needed to happen that very instant.  It felt so abrupt.  I felt kind of awkward, wanting them to have their time to let go.  We walked out to the car and my girls started buckling Handsome into our car, to go home with us.

I walked up to the birth mom and Na Na and said,

“I know  you are giving me your heart through Handsome, and I am so very grateful and will take care of him forever.”

I started to cry because the power of what was happening was overtaking me.

They asked if they could come to our home to drop off Handsomes things and say goodbye.  We were fine with that and we all got into our car.  On the way home we stopped at Handsomes Aunts school to say goodbye for one last time, and also stopped to his great aunts to let her cut his hair one last time.

She cut it to “look like daddy”.

When she said it, we didn’t even get it for a minute.  *Oh ya, he is ours… and Jon is the dad!* Handsome kept running his fingers through his hair because it was spiked up with gel in it and he wasn’t used to it. I had to giggle looking at his sweet confused little face.

We drove home quickly because Handsome had had enough of the car seat.  He was done and cried a bit the last time we put him in the car.  When we got to our house, he jumped out and was fine.  We filled the front room with all of his toys!  Bug must have thought it was Christmas!  We chatted a while and said our goodbyes.

Handsome was totally fine until they gave him a kiss and he watched them walk out the door, then he cried.

I cried

Rooz cried

Mack cried

we all cried

I actually cried longer than Handsome.  He was soon distracted by the swing set outside and went on his way.  Kids are so resilient.  I guess that’s why we are told to be as a child,

forgiving, loving, and without resentment.

I pray to be like Handsome.

He has already changed our lives in so many ways, spreading love wherever he goes.  His smile is contagious, and his big brown eyes so deep you could get lost in them.  He laughs easily and even covers his mouth if giggles really hard.  He tries to put up a fight sometimes when it is time to go to bed, but the second I put in  *his* music, his eyes glaze over and he says, “oooooo” quite close to on pitch with the singer.

Before Jewel makes it past the fifth song, he is always asleep.

Me on the other hand, I spend all night checking on him whenever he makes a peep.  I want him comfortable and happy.  It brakes my heart the times he has woken up scared, wondering where he is.  He has been in our home for one week now and he is comfortable enough now that when we wakes up, he just looks at me and grins as he falls back asleep.

He has my heart, and yes Jon may have reason to be jealous.  I have fallen in love with my son.  Good luck dating, little Mr. Handsome with six sisters checking out your crushes and a “ma ma” that watches your back.

She will have to be one special chick to get past Pink Moss.