Why do I feel so scared? Why do I feel like I have always known something was wrong? Why do I feel like I would have to record my journey somehow, like it will help people? Am I crazy?
“Hello?”
“Hi, it’s Dr. Staheli’s office.”
“Hi.”
I had been waiting for the results and had called the office twice already wondering what they were.
She paused for a minute, and then said.
“The doctor took a look at the pictures and there are some area’s of questioning, so he want to you into an ultrasound and some diagnostic testing.”
“ok”
What else do I say?
“Thanks…, bye.”
I hung up and called Jon. He kept a level head, but I could tell he was worried. I kept it short so I didn’t break down on the phone while he was in a meeting. Then Tiff called, and I lost it. I was sobbing. I don’t even remember quite what I said to her.
So here I am. I run to my blog, because that is where I have recorded so many of my thoughts over the past few years. It seems easier somehow, writing it down and not talking to a real person. Are you real? Are people that read my blog real? Somehow you aren’t.
whitney just walked in and asked why I am tearing up.
“because I just found out my friend’s daughter has cancer.” I said, after multiple attempts to say “nothing” is wrong. My statement was true, but only part of the whole.
I am never alone with my thoughts. It’s hard to write anything too meaningful when I am interrupted at every turn. Someday, I will have a chance to write.
or will i?
Then I notice whitney is talking to me. What is she saying? I can’t hear her, but I see her movement somehow in front of me. What would I do if I got cancer? How would I be a strong mom? How would jon survive? Would he?
“Mom, MOM are you listening to me? Can you help me??”
“what?”
We took the family to the movie, “We bought a Zoo” a few days ago and I cried almost the whole movie. Jon teared up, but held it together more than I did. I could never leave my daughters. I wouldn’t. The thought of watching them grow from another realm is unacceptable.
Why am I typing this now? It almost makes it worse to think about it too much. I guess I have to write it somewhere.
and then I look up this to see what diagnostic testing is:
Diagnostic tests: Diagnostic tests (such as biopsy) are given to people who are suspected of having breast cancer, either because of symptoms they may be experiencing or a screening test result. These tests are used to determine whether or not breast cancer is present and, if so, whether or not it has traveled outside the breast. Diagnostic tests also are used to gather more information about the cancer to guide decisions about treatment.
That sure didn’t help. They have to know that I am freaking out. AND it seems almost to perfectly scary that I named my running group “Team Pink” just a few days ago. Isn’t this the cancer color. Yes, i am sure it is. Never, I repeat NEVER read on the Internet about symptoms. It has done nothing but mess me up in the mind this past year.
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These were my harsh thoughts last week when I was faced with the possibility of breast cancer. I didn’t tell hardly anyone what I was facing, because I don’t like it when people worry about me. The people that happened to run into my space that day, and could tell something was up with me…heard. My sister in law Tiffany, and a few people that I saw the day I was waiting for the test results.
My Parents, My sister…my kids…. I didn’t tell people that I knew would be just as freaked out as I was. How can I comfort them when I can’t even control myself? I am always a protector. For good, for bad, an eternal guardian. Sometimes to my detriment. The hardest times in my life were endured alone. Jon and I facing the world together, yet alone.
Luckily after many tests ran on Friday, I found out I am cancer free. 🙂
Why did I freak out so bad? Probably because neighbors on both sides of me lost a spouse, we just found out our friends daughter has cancer, my neighbor across the street battled cancer. I hear about it all the time.
Why not me?
The tests showed that I only had a cyst, but nothing I have to get surgically removed unless it grows and causes pain. Right now it is only a few millimeters. My heart goes out to the mommies that are sick, I mean really sick. How do they lead their small children every day knowing that they may not be there in a few months or years?
I can’t think of anything worse.
I had something removed once before when I was 19. They ran tests, and it all checked out okay..but I am just a little more cautious now when it comes to cancer.
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So we move on to a new week.
My mirena continues to drive me crazy. I feel like I am crazy. I had the depro vera shot once, and it kind of felt the same way as this. Soon all of my testing of my hormones will be done, and I can get it out. I don’t know what is worse..? Bleeding to death or out of control unnatural hormones raging inside of me. I have high hopes for my new Doctor Jones.
The remainder of this week, I will be helping Barbara Leavitt with “Help Me Grow”. Dr. Dworkin
(the one that developed the system to connect children with community resources) is flying into town tomorrow. We are scheduled to spend Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, showing him around Salt Lake City. We are visiting the hospital so he can speak to the IHC doctors, meeting the speaker of the house at the state capital, meeting with the first lady about the program, touring the United Way in Utah county, taking him to dinner, and touring other facilities that we thought he would be interested in seeing.
It will be interesting and busy. Too bad Barbara tore something in her knee yesterday. She let me know last night that I may be the one presenting Dr. Dworkin and his colleges at the meetings he will speaking at. I am pretty comfortable in front of people, but this seems a bit over my head. Hopefully Jon will be able to get Barbara to everything in her wheel chair, so she can proceed with the plan that has been set in place for over a year! Otherwise, I will do my best. …lol….
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Are you exercising? Are you running? I am doing my best. I wish my best was better right now, but it is what it is. I feel so tired, and it makes sense now that I know my thyroid isn’t working right. Tired and my life, just don’t go well together. I want to be an example of energy, enthusiasm, and service to my children.
I guess what Handsome’s Nana wrote me in an email is true. “You my dear may feel week, but please know that feeling week is a way of saying that you are also strong. I think that if you never have the feeling of week then you have never taken charge of being strong”
Thanks Nana for your words.
So I am off to work on feeling strong again. My chin is up, I’m headed for my running clothes and I’m going to get my miles put in for the day!
Keep on Keeping on!
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Stay tune for pictures of Christmas! Yes, I still plan on posting them, just a bit behind. Hopefully by this weekend I can get r’ done!