After I write this blog post today, I may need to take a break from Pink Moss
Or at least change how I use it right now. You see, I am defeated. I feel like I have lost control of my physical body, and therefore it’s having an affect on everything I do and love. It makes me hurt to even say this out loud, to everyone, but here I am, standing naked in front of the mirror.
Over the past year and a half, I have had physical issues with my body that have made it hard to function properly. If you have read my blog over the course of how ever long, you know that I have had ongoing periods, that have lasted for as long as 8 months. Periods so heavy, that it’s a miracle I didn’t bleed to death. I came as close to it as possible, with my iron levels so low that I couldn’t breathe anymore. When I went to the doctor, I didn’t know the two were related…but come to find out, if you iron is really low, it affects your bodies ability to absorb the oxygen you are breathing in. (along with many other horrible things) They had me tested and found out that one of the levels were at a 3, when it should be above 50.
For obvious reasons, I was tired.
Being tired, and being a mother don’t go well together. Especially when I love being a very active mother. Combine this with the fact that Handsome would not leave my side for about a year. It was really hard to exercise, even on my treadmill because he would cry the whole time and try to get on it with me. I couldn’t wake up early before he did, because I never know what time of night he will wake up, because it was always different. And he would go searching for me.
Out of exhaustion, I would eat foods that I felt would give me energy. Unfortunately, I believe I craved carbs for this reason. And then because I was home bound, it was too easy to fill my free time eating “fun foods”. Combine that with my increasing depression and the hormones they started pumping me full of to stop my periods, and I was a mess.
I am a mess.
I feel completely out of control, and even though I am exercising now and watching more carefully what I eat, I continue to gain weight at the same pace that I did every time I was pregnant. Each baby I gained 50 pounds. After each birth, I lost 50 pounds. Every time. I have never gained weight without being pregnant, other than maybe fluctuating 5 pounds up and down during different times of the month.
Now, I sit at a
healthy unhealthy 30 pounds over my normal comfortable weight. I’m not even saying my very lowest, I am talking my normal between and after my last baby. So the issue now is, what is causing me to be so unstable physically? I am sure it is a combination of several things including my physical issues, which they found out are fibroid causing my heavy and long periods, and mental, because I am increasingly feeling depressed.
Problem is, what caused the fibroids? Some say it is from a hormonal imbalance. SO, I have an appointment with a hormonal specialist next week. I pray he can help me figure out my problem. I am on the iud (with hormones) to try and stop my period (which it finally did after a month), but ever since I got the iud, I am have gained a steady 2 pounds a week, without eating anything different or horrible.
So here is the thing. I woke up today feeling utterly and completely crushed. This, is not me. I have always loved to be active, happy, and positive. I am usually the one picking up someone else when they are down or discouraged. I am not used to the role, feeling so weak. I went to my boot camp class again today, and even my friend/trainer Mat, could tell something was wrong. I had cried all the way to the gym and was doing everything I could to hold it together during the workout. He is always so good at encouraging everyone there, he has a positive attitude and makes all the ladies feel comfortable as they struggle in their bodies to achieve their goals. When he said,
“Good to see you Shmo!” I smiled. I tried to act like I was OK. Later when he said, “I’m proud of you for coming…” I looked at him and teared up, and said, “I can’t talk to you today..”
Come on, you women know how it feels when someone sees your struggle, and they address it. Out of very good intention and care, they are almost making it worse. Aren’t we women frustrating like that? We want to know that people care about us, but when they ask the worst question ever…
“Are you ok?”
it cuts to the core. I felt like a balloon that was blown up too tight. My skin feels stretched, my emotions feel stretched, almost to the point of popping. Maybe that is just it. My emotions have expanded so extremely well inside, I am bursting. I am at capacity. Maybe it’s that I need to pop. Maybe the crying releases a tiny bit of air each time.
Well, if there were ever a pop, it was today.
This may seem traumatic, but I have to focus. I can’t let myself be distracted by all the things I want to do in life, because right now I am not taking care of me. Some might say, “You just want to be skinny.” believe me, this is way beyond that. I know how it feels to have control of my physical/mental body, and I know what it feels like NOT to have control. Everything feels different. I have more energy, I am more active, and guess what? I don’t think about weight when it is in control. I know there are those of you out there that will look at my picture and say, “You look just fine, what are you complaining about?” But you have to realize, I am comparing me, to me. I think we all have a benchmark of where we know we should be. We can’t compare ourselves to others, because we aren’t others.
We are We 🙂
SO, for now, I guess what I am saying is that my blog for now is set to the side. (as it is) My full energy is going to be devoted to my health. A lot of times, the time I have to write on my blog, is the same time I would have been exercising. I am going to take a break from journaling my family stuff, and anything else in my life that distracts me, and use this blog as an exercise journal and eating journal. Feel free to take the journey with me. Or, feel free to take a break from Pink Moss and find entertainment somewhere else. There are a lot of great blogs out there, and honestly I don’t know why I try so hard to write on it. I guess because I feel like it is something that I am semi-good at. It is a release for me. But I need a break from the pressure it gives me to log everything. Who knows, maybe there will be something I really want to share..maybe I am being overly dramatic today, it is completely possible. Remember, my hormones ARE out of wack 🙂
Just stick around for the ride if you feel like it. As I try to post my workouts each night, I would LOVE to have you post what you ate and did for exercise that day too. It will keep my focused and happy that we can do it together. Who knows, maybe we can all train for a half marathon or something. Team: Pink Moss!! For now, I have to take one day at a time.
Consider this blog post, my Day 1.
I didn’t edit this post on purpose. If I edit it, it may all be gone…and I feel like I need to take this journey. Don’t judge 🙂 But I’d love to have you take this challenge with me. Whatever your challenge for yourself would be.
Good for you Janae! You can do it!
Good for you Janae! You can do it!