It’s early dawn and dim outside
You lay by me, hiding big brown eyes
Snuggled up, in dream land
I contemplate, I realize
Somehow I knew you’d be mine
I dreamt of you son, long ago
you’d wrestle and play (remember though)
at the end of the day after running round
to cuddle me, when the sun sets low
Somehow I knew you’d be mine
Big toy trucks, fake guns, and trains
Not like my girls, nothing the same
Your smile so big, energy galore
Your head tilts back just watching the planes
Somehow I knew you’d be mine
A song somehow is always with you
Music is a part of us, we two
It calms the soul when feeling lost
remember son you’re not, so don’t feel blue
Somehow I knew you’d be mine
When you’re discouraged or feeling alone
Think of all who show love as you’ve grown
A birth family, and your family near
Heavenly Father’s guided your path, each stepping stone
Somehow I knew you’d be mine
Someday when your big and tall, a man
I’ll watch you from afar as you start your own clan
Your strong hands and heart, laughter and song
Will bless the lives of your family, it’s in His plan
Somehow I knew you’d be mine
TUESDAY(as written one year ago today)
was bound to be an emotional day for everyone.
Jon had the lawyer on alert the day before, just in case they came back with a “yes, he is yours!” I thought Jon was jumping the gun, but once again he was right. He wanted the insurance in ready in case Handsome was placed in our care. Sure enough the wanted him to come live with us on Tuesday! They had mention they wanted this whole ordeal to go fast, and they weren’t kidding!
One of my main concerns with adopting a son, was that I didn’t want my other kids to feel like I didn’t love them as much. I knew this wasn’t possible, but I was worried that their young minds might view it this way. After Handsomes family left Monday night, Jon and I spent time talking to Noo Noo and Mack to make sure they were feeling OK with the situation. I have had children, *and I wont say which ones*
bring up the fact that they thought I loved boys more than girls when they were upset. Of course this isn’t true, I just wanted the chance to raise both. If I had given birth to 5 boys and had 1 step son, I would by dying for a girl!
I was so mentally worn out by this point, I slumped down in my bed as Jon went and talked with both of them. I just didn’t know if I had the patience to hear that they weren’t ready for a brother after all that had transpired.
I was pleasantly surprised when I realized Noo Noo didn’t feel that way, but was more concerned about Handsome. She worried that he wouldn’t feel he was part of the family because he was adopted and nobody else was. Thank goodness. I would have had a really hard time if all my kids were mad at Jon and I for making this decision.
I don’t remember what time I woke up on Tuesday, probably because I was partially awake all night. I got all five kids ready for school, but let Mack stay home with us to go pick up Handsome. Noo Noo chose to go to school because she was in charge of a devotional. She was planning on sharing our adoption story as it related to prayer. Rooz also came with us to the lawyers office.
The drive to Salt Lake was torture. On one hand it felt like Christmas, and on another like I was about to take away someones family member. I was so overwhelmed with emotion and could barely speak. The whole thing happened so fast, and was so surreal. It had been only 5 days since I heard of Handsomes existence.
FIVE
As you can tell from our business ventures, Jon and I move quickly. We make decisions pretty fast and if it feels good, we go for it with everything we can muster and this wouldn’t be any different.
When we arrived, we got out of the car and they pulled up along side of us. Their family got out of their car with Handsome. I couldn’t help but stare at him, was this really happening? Was I still dreaming? …no, I was sure I wasn’t. My sweat was down to my elbows again, just like the first night I met him. I was giddy, yet somber. I was excited, yet nervous.
We said our hellos, and walked into the office. The lawyer came out and greeted us, and quickly divided us into different rooms. I didn’t realize we would be signing papers in different rooms, I felt a bit relieved. I don’t think I could watch that. I needed to bond with handsome, and the visual of the whole family crying and heartbroken would be hard to get out of my mind.
As we sat and waited, we looked around the lawyers office. Let me take that back, there were chairs to sit on but I couldn’t hold still. I was pacing back and forth trying to clear my jitters. I glanced around the office and noticed a wall full of pictures. It took a minute for me to realized that ALL FOURTEEN kids on the wall, were in fact the lawyers family.
Some by adoption, and some his children from the start.
Kids from many nationalities and backgrounds that all had one thing in common.
They had a stable family unit now, and they all belonged.
It didn’t matter their color or birth place, all that mattered was that they were loved.
Next thing I know, our lawyer came into the office and showed us where to sign. I didn’t realize it, but it was all done. The mother has signed away her rights already. Such a short amount of time that changed such a large amount of time. With a stroke of a pen, he was now our responsibility. We signed our end of the agreement and shook the mans hand.
It all seemed to easy.
We walked out into the lobby and the lawyer let us know that the transfer of Handsome into our care needed to happen that very instant. It felt so abrupt. I felt kind of awkward, wanting them to have their time to let go. We walked out to the car and my girls started buckling Handsome into our car, to go home with us.
I walked up to the birth mom and Na Na and said,
“I know you are giving me your heart through Handsome, and I am so very grateful and will take care of him forever.”
I started to cry because the power of what was happening was overtaking me.
They asked if they could come to our home to drop off Handsomes things and say goodbye. We were fine with that and we all got into our car. On the way home we stopped at Handsomes Aunts school to say goodbye for one last time, and also stopped to his great aunts to let her cut his hair one last time.
She cut it to “look like daddy”.
When she said it, we didn’t even get it for a minute. *Oh ya, he is ours… and Jon is the dad!* Handsome kept running his fingers through his hair because it was spiked up with gel in it and he wasn’t used to it. I had to giggle looking at his sweet confused little face.
We drove home quickly because Handsome had had enough of the car seat. He was done, and cried a bit the last time we put him in the car. When we got to our house, he jumped out and was fine. We filled the front room with all of his toys! Bug must have thought it was Christmas! We chatted a while and said our goodbyes.
Handsome was totally fine until they gave him a kiss and he watched them walk out the door, then he cried.
I cried
Rooz cried
Mack cried
we all cried
I actually cried longer than Handsome. He was soon distracted by the swing set outside and went on his way. Kids are so resilient. I guess that’s why we are told to be as a child,
forgiving, loving, and without resentment.
I pray to be like Handsome.
He was already changed our lives in so many ways, spreading love wherever he goes. His smile is contagious, and his big brown eyes so deep you could get lost in them. He laughs easily and even covers his mouth if giggles really hard. He tries to put up a fight sometimes when it is time to go to bed, but the second I put in *his* music, his eyes glaze over and he says, “oooooo” quite close to on pitch with the singer.
Before Jewel makes it past the fifth song, he is always asleep.
Me on the other hand, I spend all night checking on him whenever he makes a peep. I want him comfortable and happy. It brakes my heart the times he has woken up scared, wondering where he is. He has been in our home for one week now and he is comfortable enough now that when we wakes up, he just looks at me and grins as he falls back asleep.
He has my heart, and yes Jon may have reason to be jealous. I have fallen in love with my son. Good luck dating, little Mr. Handsome with six sisters checking out your crushes and a “ma ma” that watches your back.
She will have to be one special chick to get past Pink Moss.
I have been through a whirlwind of emotion over the past six days. Do you remember that decision I was trying to make last Friday? Well, we decided to go for it. Our lives will be changed forever, and we are grateful for the chance to raise a one an a half year old baby boy!!
From last Thursday night until today I have experienced feelings that are incomparable to anything I have felt before. I don’t have the time or energy tonight to write the whole story of “Handsome”, but I do want to share some pictures from our first day together bonding as a family.
I will start writing our journey tomorrow…and what it journey it has been, only having begun.
We woke up this morning ready to go sign papers to make Handsome part of our family!
I was sweating profusely and kept having to use the bathroom. I was so many emotions at once
excited
scared
happy
nervous
and so worried about he family giving him up…or giving him more, in my opinion.
How do you put into words that process of placing your child into another home.
It is an act of pure love….unselfish love.
Handsome’s mom and family wanted something for him that they couldn’t give him.
I am hoping a praying that we can provide the life they would wish for him.
Bug is SO proud of her new baby brother that I will call “Handsome” on the blog. She ran around with him all day and didn’t get jealous of my attention once, which is pretty unbelievable! They did however start defining their territory in the way of toys. I fully expected this and couldn’t help but laugh at them.
Handsome walked up and down, and up and down the stairs on our play house outside. He was so pleased with himself, that he clapped over and over again…and of course we joined in.
After he ran around forever, “Mack” and I hopped on the teeter totter with he and Bug. Handsome was facing me and I started singing songs to him…
*twinkle twinkle* *I am a child of God* *I wonder when he comes again*
Pretty soon his big brown eyes started giving up the fight. He held my gaze until his eyelids fell. I laid him down on the hammock with me and rocked back and forth.
Bug couldn’t handle watching so she jumped on and rocked with us.
and tickled his face as he slept.
I text for a bit, returning countless well wishes and congratulations. Thanks for being so supportive my friends! Every message made me smile!
Something special happened on that hammock
Our souls melted together
Bonded for eternity and
I fell in love with my new son.
Even after he woke up, he laid there looking into my eyes for a long time
time
it stood still.
The chain of events that brought us here to this point are nothing less than a miracle. The spirit was so strong in our home today. Angels were with us, it was beautiful.
At one point he found the radio and danced…
and another point, jumped back into the big truck “da da” bought him.
Flowers were sent from our work family…beautiful Gerber daisy’s which I LOVE. As you can see there are apples and banana’s on the counter, and plenty of tippy cups. All of which he loves. We are trying to make him feel as comfortable as possible, with the least amount of changes possible. His first name stayed the same for this reason, plus his initials are the same as daddy’s.
Eventually we made it to Mc Donalds for and easy way out on dinner. We were exhausted and didn’t even realize we hadn’t eaten all day. They ran around like crazy. ALL SEVEN OF MY KIDS and Scott!!!
Would you believe it if I told you that in the middle of our order the cash register started beeping loud and the teller called over the manager to reset it because we went over the maximum order?! I thought she was kidding, but she wasn’t.
“I’m sorry sir, we are going to have to have you place two separate orders because there is so much.”
I bust out laughing really hard and looked at Jon, “Well, that may just be a sign that we have too many kids!” His eyes just got big, so I laughed even harder…what else do you do? It took him about 10 minutes to lean over and say, “ya, that’s pretty funny…” Poor guy is still in shock, as are the rest of us!
It was like something from the movie, cheaper by the dozen!
When they finally got all of our food to us we sat down and…not ate..we got up and down, and up and down…man this kid is going to keep me hoppin’. He loved the playground and wanted to run around with his nuggets.
*yes I let him*.
Maybe at some point I will be more stern and try to get him to stay still, but not today.
Handsome is thinking…”Why does that dude look so weird?”
After he ran around on the play ground and we were packing up to go, Monkey yelled, “MOM, he is running in someone Else’s barf!!”
Ugg, here we go..
I ran over and snatched him up and walked out of the place only to realize it was coming out of HIS pants! That’s right, it was everywhere. Poop. On my arm, on his socks, and in the air. All the girls started dry heaving and I reminded them that they had all smelled like that at one point in time. He just smiled and looked around oblivious to all the groaning.
I put him in his car seat with a plastic cover and drove home to change the blowout. This wasn’t the only one today. He is breaking me in quick. Remember…? Diapers? Yes, I had a break there for about a year.
That was nice.
Dad made sure there was plenty to play with. He was wanted to do this for years!
BOY TOYS!!!
After Mac Donald’s we went to Old Navy to pick up some clothes for him. He is a growing boy and had grown right out of everything he had. Just ask us how much fun we had picking out stuff to go with his brown eyes and big smile…
Imagine it…each girl picked out an outfit. Scott even snuck to get him some *darling* Converse shoes just like his! I LOVE watching Scott bond with Jordan. They will be so good for each other. He has already started playing ball with him and helping us make him feel at home.
Some funny things I have learned about Handsome so far:
He LOVES to pick up trash and sweep *perfect for our janitorial company*. He walked around Old Navy and picked up a ton of stuff and through it in their trash. Some things I wouldn’t let him touch though!
He LOVES to shut doors
He rips off his socks and shoes the second he gets into the car and doesn’t like his car seat all that well. He gives great kisses and hugs, if you can catch him.He calls all of the girls “mama”. I don’t think he knows what else to call all the little mommies.
He has a fabulous laugh and huge smile when he thinks something is funny.
AND
He is a great snuggler when he finally gives into sleep…
