Monday I woke up frustrated.

 I just wanted to know if Handsome would be coming to begin a life with us or not.  I had started to get attached and I didn’t want to do that unless it was a sure thing.  My hat goes off to people that play this game all the time. 

 I really started to feel like a wimp. 

 My friend that told us about Handsome in the first place has been through fertility issues with his wife for years and finally started to look into adoption.  YEARS of waiting and stress.  Now they have a darling son and another on the way..but think of it, waiting months and months while the birth mom is pregnant, never knowing if she will change her mind at any point in time.

I had only been through three and a half days of it!

Pregnancy and the stresses that I have dealt with have been completely opposite.  Children in our home just seem to show up!  Rooz was there when I married Jon, Mackaroochie came soon after we were married, Noo Noo made her entrance 22 months later, and my niece moved in at the age of seven when Noo Noo was two months old. 

 *This was just the first 2 years of marriage!

 I was 22 and had four kids* Sprite, Monkey, and Bug followed suit every two to three years after.  During this twelve years of having babies I really kept busy.  I would have to say that our first years of marriage were not made of cherries and ice cream. 

 It was tough. 

Yes, we have had many friends and family that had stress because they couldn’t have a child, our stress came from having them so fast combined with life’s extreme ups and downs. I had no business complaining after only three days.  Besides, if he were coming, an average adoption takes anywhere from two to six months.  She could change her mind at any point and he wouldn’t be living with us for months anyway.  Na Na had let me know that if it were to happen, they wanted it to be sooner than later.

I text Na Na and asked if they had heard anything from the family that may be adopting him.  They said that the family hadn’t responded yet and they had given them until 8 o’clock that night.  She asked if they could come back again that night with the birth mother so she could meet us.

“Only if there is a chance we could get him.”  I said.  

I didn’t want to get my hopes up even higher.  

She assured me that we were still in the running and there was a possibility, but they didn’t want to take back their offer of placing Handsome with the other family if they were interested. I understood their reasoning, but felt so helpless.  Why would it feel so right, if it wasn’t.  I started to second guess myself.

Na Na asked me if I wanted to speak with the birth mom.  I said I would love to.  I didn’t know quite what to say to her, but felt like I wanted to express how I was feeling.


“Hi” I said, “I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for the situation you are in, and I just want everyone to be happy.  I don’t want to pressure you into something you aren’t ready for, but I am willing and able to raise your child if you want me to.”

I could tell she was emotional and I couldn’t imagine what she must be feeling.  She let me know that she felt good about us adopting him but she has promised him to someone else.  I told her that I was aware and we were waiting until we got the final word.  She asked if she could come and meet us that night and I told her I was planning on it.  I thanked her and told her I would see her that night.

and so,

I started to hold my breath for another ten hours.

How was I going to survive another day of wait?

I had a list of things I wanted to do if he would be coming.

I wanted to buy boy clothes for the first time

Get his room ready

tell the family

buy boy toys

and start loving him up!

But I couldn’t.

I didn’t even know what to tell my family, because really there wasn’t much to say yet.  I sent my kids to school and started cleaning.  This was something that would help me out either way it went.  A fresh start.

Jon called our Carpet Cleaning business guys and had them come clean the carpets for us.  The people that owned our home before put in WHITE carpet upstairs in all five bedrooms, I don’t know what kind of mommy she was, but I have a hard time keeping stains off of white carpet.  Between the glitter that spills, rogue markers, and shoes that weren’t taken off in the mud room, we have our share of regular spills.

I kept busy watching Bug and my nephew Jackson all day and paid special attention to how these to toddlers played together. If Handsome came, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be breaking up fights over toys.  Bug was the youngest and not used to sharing her things and Handsome was an only child and didn’t have competition either.  

I loved watching the two toddlers playing together, almost like having twins. Handsome and Bug are almost exactly two years apart and would keep each other *and myself* busy, that was for sure!

I had walls built up around me, for my protection and theirs.

I had already found myself staring at him longingly when he slept in he Grandma’s arms the night before and I didn’t want to creep them out! 

They pulled up to our house, parked the car and walked up the front sidewalk.

I was waiting and opened the door.

The Grandma “Na Na” was holding him and the birth mother said,

“He is yours.”

I was SO SHOCKED, I couldn’t even respond. 

I blurted out something stupid like, “Um, OK…, did the other family respond yet?”

“Yes, they said after having him play with their kids they felt like he was someone Else’s child.”

I couldn’t believe my ears!! I teared up for just a minute, still in shock.

Was this REALLY happening?  Was I going to have a little boy placed in my arms?  Were my prayers answered in such a miraculous way that I would have a son after hearing about it four days previous?


Yes I was.

We sat down and got to know each other a little better.

After much talking and planning, I brought my kids into the room.

Before I explained what was happening, I turned to Bug and asked, 

“Do you know who this is?”

“Yes, he is my brother!”

We were all shocked and the girls were so excited!

I don’t know how to express the magnitude of this statement to you.  All of the girls instantly knew how big of deal this was that Bug already knew him.

Last February 26th, Bug started talking about her brother.

  Her what?! you say!! 

*Link* Yes brother.  

She was convinced, and now I am. 

I am convinced that kids sometimes understand more than we do, and heaven is closer than we know. I am convinced that prayers are answered and Heavenly Father watches over us all. I am convinced that families come together in many different ways and family is the most important thing on this earth.  

I am convinced.

If you guessed that I slept Monday night in a silent slumber because of the previous days events, you would be wrong.  I tossed and turned all night, my head swimming with possibilities

*some good* some bad*.

Even if my body relaxed and fell into some sort of sleep, my mind didn’t and this makes for the craziest dreams ever, not that that is anything new for me.



Knowing that it is the night before….I am actually nervous as I recall all the emotions of last year at this time.