I share the following letter with some mixed feelings:
Yesterday I opened up my email, and found a quick note from Handsome’s NaNa asking if it would be ok for her to write him a letter.
I replied, “Of course, that would be fine.”
When I opened up the letter and began to read, tears filled my eyes. I was once again reminded of the love Handsome’s family has for him. It is something that I never want to forget, the privilege that Jon and I have of raising him. I start to feel guilty that they all love and miss him so much, but then I remind myself that all of my kids are a blessing and a privilege to have and raise. Heavenly Father has entrusted me with the care of 7 girls and one boy, if you count my niece I raised for 4 years also. They have all been a challenge and a blessing all wrapped up into one little body. A spirit sent here to earth to enjoy the journey, and for whatever reason, Handsome is in my home.
He was a blessing to the family he was born into, and now a blessing in mine as well. There can never be too many people loving him. I learned this lesson with my step daughter and my niece. Sometimes is causes interesting emotions and situations to have several families loving one child, but in the end it is all good.
It is love.
So with that, I wanted to post this letter from Nana (Handsome’s Grandma) and tell her through this blog post, thank you. Thanks for loving him, and sending him our way when you felt like it was the right time. I hope your therapy goes well, and I know when it is time for Handsome to see you again he will indeed remember you and love you. I am posting these letters here so he can read the entire journey when he is old enough to understand. It is only right that he should see both sides and the love we all have for him.
I kiss him for us
I hug him for all
Forever and always our baby he will be
My dearest Jordan;
I know that I have already written you a letter but it is funny how when things happen or go on and you think did I forget that or I should of included that. I know that I have just started going to therapy to help me with dealing with things like for example you. I have had the hardest time with you not here in my arms and not here to talk to to teach, but it is when I look at the blog that brings tears of joy and happiness and a big smile on my face to see how you are being raised, treated, and growing. It is funny how the mind and the brain remembers things, it has been almost a yr now in Oct. that you have been gone and it has been only a month since I have been able to walk down stairs and remind myself that I do have a basement to my home. I opened your bedroom door looking around with my eyes only filling up with tears remembering where your crib was looking at where I changed your diaper, the rocking chair that I sat in to sing songs to you and you dozed off to sleep. After I looked in a strong feeling o panic came over me and I had to hurry close the door and then try to pretend it away, but I knew that it was going to always be there no matter what. So what I do to make me feel better is I get your book of pictures that your mamma and I have put together since you have been in your new family and look at how happy you are……….the smiles on your face the laughter from the stories that I remember reading, and now you are really going to laugh at your Nana the Whinnie the Pooh bear that I still cuddle with and sleep with because he was yours. I have a feeling I will be sleeping with him until I meet you again and at that time you will be 18 and he will be 18 but old and flat……….but still yours. I went through some of your stuff the other day clothes some of your toys, can I just say that I think it to be odd that I bought so much……lol 6 garbage bags filled with clothes and you my dear grandson went to your loving family at 18 months. So I can honestly say I love you I wanted you to have the best of everything and life also. Your mamma is going to school right now in Job Corps to be a Auto Mechanic and Machinery and Welding, lets just say that she is a tom boy more then ever, but she can still get all fussy dussy to go out and have a good time. She wants to own her own shop that is what her goals are. I am currently working on a cd that i am wanting to give you so that you can Liston to it as you sleep or just lisitn to it because you have such a love for music that way your NaNa did and does. We used to sing together every morning when you would wake up……….the little songs like Itsy Bitsy spider Patty Cake and all the fun songs. The thing that I loved the most is that you would always want more more. Every morning when you would wake up you would come up stairs and run across my hardwood floor knock and say NaNa open. I would open the door and say Where’s Jordan where is Nana’s boy and you would say here I here. I would scoop you up in my arms and we would go and lay on my bed singing songs while you mamma would get ready for school and we would sing as I got you ready then breakfast was what you wanted always wanted and more of it too. So when I read that you are a hungry boy that does not surprise me…you were a hungry boy at home too. Matter of fact I have some pictures that I need to get to your mamma of when you ate food for the first time or when you had your first Oreo……Oreos is a big part of a persons diet you know. I talk to you every night, when I let my dogs out to roam the yard at the end of the night before bed I find a star and focus on it I tell you how much I love you and how much you are my everything, and how I know that you are being loved and cared for and how happy I am that you you are where you need to be. The other night I fell asleep and dreamed about you all night dreamed that you and I talked all night long to each other and at the end of my dream I remember holding you crying and looking at you and saying please dont forget……please do not forget that I love you and that you are my boy!!!!!! You are my everything Jordan…..you keep my heart going you keep my hopes always high, for I can hardly wait for the day when I get to see you again you are my chance at life. I quit smoking the day we signed papers for you to go to your new home and I want to be healthy for the day that I get to hold you in my arms again so I have not picked one up since. Your mamma is a smoker so that scares me so please do not fall into the temptation for that habit she is doing better she is down to 4 a day instead of a pack a day. She fights and does what we can for you………..so that when we see each other again you are proud of where you came from. You are my light to the rod Jordan you are my everything. I know that as time goes on there are going to be times to where I stop and think to myself of ohhh should of said that or I need to tell him this, so I want to say thanks to your wonderful parents now for the fact being that they are letting me write these letters and send them at will so that along the way of your growing up you know that I have not forgotten you I love you more then ever!!!!!! I talk to your heart every night and dream of you tons. I am proud of who you have become already and it has only been 10 months since you have been gone, but I know that I will see you again and it will happen faster then I realize…….So for now I am going to say I love you Jordan more then you will ever know. I love you more today then yesterday but less then tomorrow……….you are my shining light my beacon especially when it is dark and I am feeling cold I think of you and I find my way and you warm my heart. Nana loves you and your mamma loves you lets just say that everyone loves you……until we meet again my dearest grandson I will hold your hand in my heart forever until our hands meet again then I will be able to hold onto them forever and never let go.
I love you Jordan
Love your Nana