Today I was talking to Kori *my first and best girlfriend in college*

I love her and she loves me.  

We came together at a time in my life when I really needed a close girl friend.  She wasn’t judgmental, boring, stuck on herself, or plain.  She was just the opposite, full of life, laughter, dreams, goals, and smiles.  She was a breathe of fresh air and I knew she was sent to me for a reason.  She saw me, she got me like not many people in my life have.  I am an interesting combination of deep thought and extreme just plain fun.

Some friends get one side or the other, but it takes a Kori to get both.

Sometimes I am around people and I realize I am analyzing everything and probably freaking them out and other times I come across as air headed and oblivious.  They are both me.  I love to look on the bright side and just be carefree but I also love to think about life and the meaning behind it all.

Today Kori said, “Janae,  I love your blog but it’s so easy to see the crazy fun side of you on your blog, but I know the real you…the side that everyone can’t see.  I hear your struggles and know your pains.  It is easy when I see your post about “going repelling in Moab on a whim” to think that all is well and there is no hurt.”

And I agreed.

I choose to focus on the positive and take a look at challenging things in the belief  that all will be well, because I believe it.  This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle like everyone else.  So for a minute I want to indulge this urge to be openly frank with my thoughts so you and I can see that there is more to me than just the blog me.

The truth is, that right now I am struggling.

I often reside in the side of optimism and I am working really hard to get there again.  I am physically weak and it has had an effect on my mental state.  Because I haven’t had any energy from lack of iron in my blood, it has made me so tired.  All I want to do is sleep, and I can’t because of my life but because I know I would rather sleep it makes me feel bad.  When I feel bad, it makes me depressed and when I am depressed I just want to eat and sleep.  When I try to exercise, I am completely out of breath because my body isn’t working right. I want to get out of the cycle I am in and I feel like the iron pills are starting to work…work pills work already!”

The truth is that I am hard on myself, like many women are.  I go easy on everyone else but myself.  I have high expectations and never feel like I can reach them.  Why are women so relentlessly beating themselves up?  How can I teach my beautiful daughters that they are perfect just the way they are, and still need to hear it myself?  And is it just me, or are women completely in silent competition with each other?  I tell my girls it ends after Junior High, but does it?  It has taken several years for me to convince Jon of the fact that when I lady walks into the room the guys check her out, but even more women check her out.  *what is she wearing?  how is she acting? What does her hair look like?* but it’s all silent you see…. and I hate it when women talk behind each others backs.  Isn’t there something better to focus on?  I have enough problems of my own without taking about everyone elses. The world tears us down, we need to help each other out!

What was my point in all of this?  Just that I feel so blessed to have a Kori and a few select others in my life with whom I can be me, the full me and not feel judged or like it’s a competition.  She is comfortable giving compliments and doesn’t act like somehow it is taking away from her power as many girls do.  She is a builder.  If she sees a strength, she calls it which is how I believe it should be.  If there is a weakness I am dealing with, she loves just the same only seeing the optimal me.

Why can’t there be more Kori’s?


Thank you for taking the time to build me up today and just listen to me, letting me feel the way I do and helping me focus on the future.  Thank you for accepting me for who I am…weaknesses and all.  Thanks for working to stay in touch with me all these years.  {We both know this is a hard job} It takes a long time to build an old friend.

Thank you Kori and all you *Kori’s* out there…I love you. *oh and don’t mind the fact when we were disconnected I couldn’t pick up the phone again.  It was unintentional and completely rude.


*Does anyone else feel this tension between women or is it just me?  How can we work on fixing the problem? I feel it around some ladies a lot more than others.