{prologue}

Every time I sat for a minute to blog about my trip I was overwhelmed.

I have no memory space on my laptop and need to buy a hard drive, it is close to crashing and I thought,

“Do people enjoy my blog as much when I can’t post pictures…? and then I shut down because I have no way to post them all yet.  Then I was frustrated and thought, “Who am I writing this for anyway? Me or whoever decides to read it?”  The answer is probably both.  I can’t post all of the pictures of my trip all pretty and nice in one blog post because I don’t have all of them yet.

So, ANYWAY these are some words that I pieced together over three days.

{Today I had an epiphany}

Do you know the kind of zone you are in after a baby?  It is cloudy, tired, … somewhere near survival?  Yes, you are happy for having a sweet blessing laid in your arms, but you are exhausted.  You are nervous for the future with the though, “How am I going to do this?  How am I going to have patience for the next 60 years/24/7?”  It is an overwhelming thought.  

No weekends off

No clicking your time card off work at the end of the day

No vacation because even if you go away for a few days, the kids are forever always on your mind.

You think of them

pray for them

feel sad for them

listen to them

feed them

drive them

wipe them

read to them

scold them

laugh with them

bath them

cheer for them

kiss them

ignore them

change them

cry with them/for them/because of them

pick up after them

set goals with them

and every other emotion you can think of.  It’s exhausting and I realized after this five days away that I was in survival mode.  It is a hard place to reside as a mother because all of the tasks become mundane, boring, tiring, and are without immediate reward.  Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t choose any other job on this planet, really.  

As I look back at my past I have noticed that over the years I have ventured out in various ways trying to find my worth.  Whether it be in a book, starting a business, exercising, friends, even my blog.  These are all good and valuable things but my worth and true value at this time in my life is with my children.

It is so important to keep priorities straight…and such a hard thing to do.  

Motherhood is a long term commitment and I am truly happiest when I am invested body mind and spirit.  I am very grateful for my little get a way to help flush out the frustration.  Some people believe that a mother should never leave their children, but I am a true believer in being refreshed, taking a minute to re-connect with my hubby was much needed.  We had only each other to think about for five days.  Sometimes we just sat and looked at each other.  Sometimes we sat by each other and looked at the ocean without saying anything, and other times we were laughing or talking over serious struggles we face together as a couple with a lot on our plates in home, business, and responsibilities.

We have come a long way over the 17 years we have known each other.  Our communication was not always this good…I love how Gail Miller *Larry Miller’s wife* said it best.

“It’s a good thing neither of us wanted a divorce at the same time.”

She was of course part teasing and part serious.  Marriage is hard and every day is a lesson.  Jon spent the whole time reassuring me that he loved me for me.  I am not a business woman and sometimes it has felt as though I would have greater value in his eyes if I was.  Of course he has told me this before but it took a very special experience for me to really trust that.  It was a blessing from Heavenly Father given after many months of prayer.  It was an answer I had been waiting for for a long time and I had no idea how it could ever be answered…but Heavenly Father found a way.

I feel so blessed to have a friend/partner that will work with me as we both improve ourselves and strive together towards our common goals.  There have been times I didn’t think we had it in us to work together this way, but through time patience and a lot of work….it is coming together.  We listened to “Driven” by Larry Miller on the way home on the plane.  We had a few chapters left and it has been spread over months.  It is almost crazy freaky the similarities Jon and I have with the Millers.  Right down to how Gail took off her shoes at his funeral and sat by him while he unwound in the bath and spoke of business and issues he was facing.  Sometimes he drove her crazy and he was gone most of the time.  He never invested in his kids until it was almost too late.  I feel so blessed that Jon has always taken the time for his kids soccer games, dance concerts, and school activities. 

At first I had to drill this into him.  He felt like the best way to show love was to work, it is still his love language, but over the past several years he has made it a point to always be there and especially dinner and homework time when we need it the most.  He has helped with driving and talking with the kids…but it was all pure determination to change and be this way.  He has always liked to play with them but after a long day at work it is hard because he comes home and I am so tired I naturally want to turn it over to him and that isn’t fair.  He was been working all day also.  I guess the balance is different for everyone and there is no one way to make it work.  

Jon and talked of our goals and ate a lot of food.

Yea, that diet I was on before I left…it vacationed with me on the cruise.

I am back on track now though!

One of my favorite parts of the trip was swimming with the dolphins at the hotel Atlantis on Nassau Island in the Bahamas.  They have water slides that go through a tube by sharks and beautiful white sandy beaches.  The dolphins truly swam with you unlike at Sea World where you just stand with them for a minute.  They have hand held motors that pull you though the water with them and you can actually swim with them in a beautiful man made lake.  Then they give you a boogie board and the dolphin pushes you!  He is under water and feels for your feet and nudges his little cute nubby nose around on the foot until he gets that balance right and then cruises!

  It is pretty fast and so amazing!

We also snorkeled off the shores of Freeport and saw some stunningly beautiful fish and shells.  Afterward we shopped…of course….lots of souvenirs to bring home to my little fishies at home!  I bought a pretty sea blue sun dress, Easter dresses for all of the girls, some darling jewelry and was offered some weed.  That’s right, no legal age for drinking or getting high…pretty crazy if you ask me!  The tour bus driver said their crime rate was really low and I’m sure it is because all the locals were high as a kite and loving life.

Sprite was just asked to write a report on her favorite musician.  Some kids picked Mozart or Justin Beiber but my girl picked Mr. Rasta man himself *Bob Marley*.  She said, “I picked Bob Marley because his music makes me feel safe and wholesome inside.  My favorite is Three Birds.  I also love I shot the sheriff…”  Ah man, she kills me.  I can’t wait for her Christian based private school teacher reads this one!  I’ll have to post the whole thing so you can read it.  I know I am misquoting but it is something to that effect.  

The reason I bring it up is because there were rasta dudes everywhere and we bought a Bob Marley hat with dread locks hanging out the bottom for Sprite to wear when she gives her oral report.  

Classic.

********************

Today for Saint Patricks day I took the kids to lunch at Cafe Rio and made a trip to one of our favorite stores (Forever 21).  Some of their clothes run so small, they fit my little girls.  We found some darling outfits and then decided that Mack and I needed a new bra, so we went to Victoria’s Secret and had a chuckle watching her get sized…and her reaction…and the other girls reaction when I told them they had no choice but to be that size with their genetics.  

Sorry girls, I was size two in high school with 32DD bra size and there is no getting around it.  I am pretty sure one of my daughters has set up her reduction as soon as she turns 18, but I’m not saying which one 😉  I try to tell them that the will get used to it but they don’t believe me.  Either you embrace it, or die of embarrassment.  I remember my dad saying to me, 

“Janae, if your feet don’t start growing faster, you will soon tip over.” 

Luckily at that point I had learned to laugh at myself.  A far cry from my first bra trip to the store when I was 12 and my mom kept handing dang ugly awful bras over the dressing room door in Kmart.  I remember it clear as day. It went like this….

“Hey here is a white bra with a cute little bow in the middle!”

{me} “I DON’T WANT A BOW MOM!”

“OK, well here is  a pretty white bra with a flower in the middle then…”

{me} “I DON’T WANT A FLOWER IN THE MIDDLE!! I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A BRA!!”

“Well, you have to wear a bra, you don’t have a choice.”

{me} “FINE, BUY IT, BUT I’M NOT WEARING IT!!!!”

That lasted until I entered the seventh grade and realized it was a lot more embarrassing to go free Willey, so I dug it out of the back of my drawer that I shoved it in and put it on.  My Aunt Barbara didn’t make things any better when she visited for Christmas the previous year…

“oooooooo someone is getting perky…”

As she grabbed both sides of my shirt and smashed it against my unassuming chest.  

I didn’t even say anything, I just turned around and ran downstairs.  I couldn’t believe the nerve, I was in shock.  I let my mom know how horrified I was the next day and all she could do was laugh and say, 

“Ah yes, that is my sister.”

The worst feeling was when I was a Sophomore and I went bra shopping with my mom.  I found a bra we both agreed on and she said, “OK good, when you grow out of it you can pass it down to me.”  She wasn’t even trying to be funny, that’s the funny part and the part that made me almost gag.

Long story short, I did pass it down to her and my kids may just be passing theirs down to me, and believe me, I made sure her bra was cute enough I would want it.

And that’s the end of my three day ramble.