I woke up anxious to get to the end of the day when we would meet Handsome. Once again, I was very thankful to be watching General Conference and feeling the spirit of the day. I look forward to General Conference every six months so I can veg in my PJ’s, watch church on TV and still get credit for attending! We always get crafts to do with the kids, so it is easier to sit through all 4 hours. The little ones come and go as they please, but they catch quite a bit of it.
Jon had taken the kids to a new “old fashion” toy store at “Shops in the Riverwoods” on Saturday to find crafts to do. They have darling stuff, all the toys from my childhood. I found scratch and sniff stickers there, old candies, old board games etc.
I took notes as the speakers shared their messages, and doodled as I listened for any inspiration that I could glean. Here is a link to some of the talks given onSaturday and Sunday for those who missed it. I was trying so hard to listen with my spiritual ears…I needed inspiration, I needed help and guidance.
Jon made us dinner because he knew I was in some sort of twilight zone. It has also been a deal between us from day one. I get all the kids ready for church as he makes Sunday dinner. He can’t do hair, and I can’t cook. OK, OK…I can cook, but it isn’t my favorite thing to do, that’s for sure.
As conference was coming to an end, I went to shut my journal that I was taking notes in and a piece of paper fell out into my lap. I reached down and opened it, curious to see what it was. I was somewhat surprised to find my patriarchal blessing in my hands. I didn’t even know there was a copy inside. I started to read the familiar words that I have studied over and over again. Patriarical blessings are beautiful things. They are a guide for your life and a special prayer that you receive from a patriarch of the L.D.S. church when you are ready. The things that it says in my blessing are obviously just for me. Jon’s are no doubt for him. The words are straight from our Heavenly Father. I feel the spirit so strong every time I read it, but I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me on this day.
I scanned it, I have it almost memorized. It has been a guide and direction piece for me over the years. Then, a sentence stood out that never had before. It said that
“I had been blessed with children, and others would come to my home.”
I only thought this to mean I would have another biological baby when I was younger, but on this day I knew it was speaking of Handsome. Yes, it was a direct message to me and answer to my prayer.
That night Handsome was supposed to come and meet us with his mom, Grandma (Na Na), uncle, Grandpa, and mom’s friend who was also placing with our friend Jared. Jared is the one that we heard about Handsome from in the first place. I tried not to think about it most of the day and kept myself busy…until five. They were planning on showing up at six.
I let my kids know that some friends of ours were coming to play. They asked who they were and where they came from, but I was pretty vague. They were ready and so excited to meet them, but I was even more excited. Jon kept hugging me and laughing, what else could he do?
Six o’ clock came
Seven o’clock came and they hadn’t shown up.
I called to see if they were lost and if they needed directions to our house. She said they hadn’t left yet *they live 45 minutes a way*. There was as lump in my throat. The biological mother was having a really hard time coming to meet us. I didn’t blame her.
How would that be, getting into the car with your one and a half year old child, to meet some strangers that could be his parents. The thought process is like a heavy weight on my chest. I can’t breath when I think of it. I couldn’t relate, I never could relate.
She and Na Na had fed him, changed him, rocked him to sleep, and bonded with him for 19 months, not to mention carried him as her own for nine months and felt him grown within her.
I know all too well the sickness, fatigue, sleepless nights, and pain.
I know how it feels the first time you feel a tickle in your belly and wonder if it was just your imagination or the real thing. I know the indescribable feeling you get when you feel bubbles in your tummy that eventually grows into bumps and pushes against your ribs.
You can feel the baby taking over your body, your emotions, and your thoughts.
They become part of you, the best part.
It’s no wonder when they leave the comfort of your belly and enter into this loud bright world, they want to be snuggled and hear the beatings of your heart once again as they lay on your chest in in the night. It’s also no wonder we ache for them as we watch them cry, or get hurt for the first time. It is painful to see the doctor prick their little feet in the office, even though we know it’s for the best. We become attached, joined by the months of preparation to come into this world. Attached by the spirit love that is comparable to nothing on this planet.
The bond of mother and child.
How could she get into the car?
Somehow, Na Na was strong enough to pull the weight for the mother. Handsome’s biological mother is young. She is a child herself, trying to make it on her own and don’t think for a minute that Na Na isn’t just as attached as Handsome’s mother. She has more years under her belt to really process what is going on, and she was there from day one supporting Handsome. She was adopted herself, and understands this huge commitment. Yes, she is just as much a part of this as the mother. She loves him more than anything, he is hers also.
Eventually they made it to our house about 8 o’clock. I had sweat through two shirts, and was sick to my stomach. I was trying so hard to be patient and not get too attached. I don’t know that I was doing a very good job. I felt like I had gotten my answer, but I still had to wait for free agency and what they felt was best for their family.
I could only hope they would feel the same.
He belonged with us.
When they walked in, we felt comfortable immediately. Handsome ran up to our salt water fish tank and climbed up the step stool to see it. This was a great plus for Jon…possibly a spiritual sign 😉 He watched for a bit and then started playing with the kids. By this point we had told Mack what was going on, and I could tell by the look on her face that she understood the magnitude of this meeting.
Handsome was darling with huge brown eyes, long eye lashes, and the same color of hair as my kids. He had an enormous smile and was quick to laugh.
I was in love.
We started talking about the path that brought their family into our home this night, as Noo Noo pushed Handsome around in a huge Tonka truck Jon had bought him the day before. We couldn’t help but giggle as the girls flew around and around in a big circle passed the front room, through the kitchen, into the piano room, and back into the front room.
Pretty soon Handsome came running in with a ball and rolled it across the floor as if to say, “Stop chatting, and come play!”
I would have, had it been any other circumstance, but we had things to talk about. We were all taking this very serious for obvious reasons. They needed to feel comfortable with the decision, as did we. We both had questions to ask of each other. Some were minor, and some were major.
We both felt like we were supposed to meet that night, I just wished Handsome’s mother had come so she could feel comfortable with the situation also. It was interesting hearing the things the family wished for Handsome, because they are all things we would do raising him naturally without having to change a thing.
They wanted him active…well, I can say that we are always doing something! We rarely just sit around as a family. They wanted him in sports, and I had no reservation in promising them this. I explained that although we have lots of girls, they aren’t sissy girls. They snowmobile, four wheel, snow ski and snow board, wake board in the summer on our boat, hike, play soccer, play in the dirt, and many other traditional “boy” things.
Do they like to dress up?
Of course, but as I see it, there is a time to play with worms and a time to put on your favorite pair of high heels.
I was curious about his eating, sleeping, and play time habits. If he came I wanted the right music in his room *Jewel’s lullaby CD*, food in the kitchen *bananas, apples, apple juice, and slide shots* I wanted to show him his favorite cartoons when he wanted to be calm and veg *Wonder pets* I wanted the transition as easy as possible.
For this reason, I explained that we would be keeping his first given name. He would have enough life changes to deal with. He would loose his family, home, stability and everything he knew to be real. How could I take his name also? Plus, Jon and I liked his name and with the changing of his middle name it would make it the same initials as his dads.
Yes, we would keep his name.
Handsome had climbed up onto his Na Na’s lap sometime during the long evening and fell asleep on his own. He didn’t cry, just snuggled up and dozed off.
When they decided it was time to leave *around 10:30 p.m.* they got up and we said our goodbyes. Handsome awoke and looked around with a dazed, squinty eyed face. I am sure he wondered where he was, and why he was still here.
As they were walking out our front door, Handsome said, “GO?”
Na Na leaned over and said, “Yes Handsome, we are going home.” as she walked toward the car. Handsome again said, “GO?” but this time we all realized he was leaning toward our house. His Na Na got big eyes *big brown eyes* and said,
“I think he actually wants to stay!”
Jon and I couldn’t believe it.
It was a sweet reassurance that he felt comfortable in our home.
We couldn’t be more happy and went to bed with a smile.
I didn’t smile because I was sure we would get him, I smiled because the meeting went well and I had a firm belief that whatever was supposed to happen, would.