Because I don’t have the brain power to think of something to say today, I thought I would share some funny quotes I have found over time on the Internet. I could find the source for some of them, some are anonymous, and some I was just too plain lazy to look up. I may update this list over time as I find quotes that should replace others. Enjoy!
1. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
3. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
5. Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.6. Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.7. Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.
10. You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.11.The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.“12. Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
13. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.
14. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
15. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.16. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.17. Dyslexics Of The World Untie.18. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
19. People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
20. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
21. “A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.”
22. “Ninety percent of the game is half mental.”
23. “I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” -Homer J. Simpson
24. “Half of the people in the world are below average.”
25. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
26. “I can resist everything except temptation.” Oscar Wilde
27. “To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.”
28. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
29. It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!
30. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
31 “In weight lifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.” Jack Handey
32. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.” Jane Wagner
33. “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”
34. “Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”
35. If you can’t fix it with duck tape you haven’t used enough.
36. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
37. Constipated People Don’t Give A crap.
38. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”
40. There Are Three Kinds of People – Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can’t
41. Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”
42. Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
43. A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
44. “A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.”
45. Of all the things that tax a man’s patience, there’s nothing to compare with a stuck zipper.
46. “Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.”
47. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde.
48. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
49.Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
50. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.